Honesty

I took a major blow to my pride and independence this week. The goal of this blog was to be honest about this season of my life, not to portray a vague, rosy picture. So...here's to being honest, raw and open.

Those of you who know me well, know that I have a tendency to do everything on my own and strive for perfection. When perfection is not achieved I do everything I can to avoid failure. This has always been a problem for me but I never spent much time working on it. In some areas it's a good thing to have but if I'm not careful, it can wreck everything I put my hands to. So, what does God do with areas of our life we avoid and cover up? He exposes them...eventually.

This week (in a span of 3 days), I cut my right hand really deep on glass, spilled liquid all over my Mac and got a very strange, scary virus. I didn't know for a while if I cut any major tendons in my hand or if I would ever be able to use my computer again. I was in the process of dealing with all of this when I started getting a really bad headache that extended to my face, ears and neck. My face was swollen and I began to lose control of some of my facial muscles. I started running a low grade temperature and having vision issues, dizziness and hearing loss. As dramatic as this sounds, I felt like I was falling apart and just wanted to go home.

The church, college and students have been amazing. Oddly enough, that's been part of the problem. 
Every time I was welcomed by the greeters I could only think of our greeters back home.
Every time I was in worship I could only think of my worship team back home singing/playing the very same songs.
Every time people would reach out to me I could only think of my friends back home.
Every time I'd see kids I could only think of my nieces and nephews I left back home.
Every time I'd hear from family and friends it only made me miss them more. 

I knew I was being selfish. I knew I was being ungrateful. I new I had to let go of these things for a season. I knew I was missing out on the things God put before me. Worse yet, people were missing out because all I wanted was what I had. I didn't want to put myself out there. I wasn't up for the risk it entailed. I didn't realize it back home but I had become a little too comfortable with the familiar. Too protective of the life I'd built and the relationships I had spent so much time and effort building. I knew what would happen and who to trust. I was in control. At least I thought I was. So God allowed me to be in a position where there was nothing I could do but depend on the people around me. Those present, not far away. Not a fun or comfortable place to be in but necessary for growth. So dying, dying and more dying to self.

Kari Jobe's new album (The Garden) has been on repeat for me all week. The song below hit especially close to home. If you haven't heard it, you should look it up...or better yet, buy the album. You won't regret it :)

Oh, just so you don't worry...my hand is fine, computer is working perfectly and I'm feeling better.

Until next time...

Love always, Lauren

I Will Sing

Kari Jobe

I need to see You here
I need to know You're in control
Though my heart is torn wide open

I will trust, I will remember

I need to hear Your voice
Speaking to silence all my doubts
Your word won't return empty
You will break through every darkness

Even when my breath is weak
I will sing, I will sing
Even in my suffering
I will sing, I will sing

I need to feel Your hope
Rising above my greatest fears
Even death has been defeated
I will trust, I will remember

Even when the shadows fall
I will sing, I will sing
Even when the night is long
I will sing, I will sing

Hallelujah
I surrender all to You
Hallelujah
You are God, You won't be shaken
Hallelujah
I surrender all to You
Hallelujah
You are God, You won't be shaken

I need to see You here
I need to know You're in control
Though my heart is torn wide open
I will trust, I will remember